13 nov. 2008

November scenario

It would feel stupid to say I'm OK. I know it's not true. If I'd have a chance to take it all back, I'm not sure of what I would take. All I know is that the reason that we make mistakes is to learn how not to repeat any of those in the future.
Under the shadow of doubt and a sober darkness, I shed my cry for help, in a huge issue I've caused myself. It's not so much of an issue. Not even a doubt. It's just uncertainty. And I have no idea why on earth every time I am with him I have that trust in him, and that faith of the future with him, and when I'm all alone at home I suddenly get depressed and start the doubting. The matters of life can sometimes whirl up our minds and souls, twist up our perspectives and beliefs. In this... hurricane I got lost. And I keep feeling lost for quite a while. These weekly visits to the Court and the trial get me down and drive me crazy, depress me in my best moments, and as I realize that there is no one to blame but me, everything falls apart, once again.
I must admit, this cold November weather is perfect for a dramatic scenario that comes true, every little bit more true every day. This November scenario that brings up what's left of my soul, I'm not sure if the best or the worst. The things I've done lately... The things I've said... The ones that I haven't done or said... It all hits me in the head, when I needed an arm to hold on... The strength I need to get back up. Back on my own feet. Trying to hold on and keep the balance on my knees... so I won't go even lower in despair.
I have heard this so many times, that I even thought it was true, but I've heard it from people that haven't faced the reality yet. People that even if their life is almost over, they still have no clue about the harshness of what is out there. People that have "grown", and they are mature ... Bullshit. That's just a bunch of crappy words, mixed thoughts and wrong impressions, put together in a way that sounds pretty, but it has no effect or cause on the subject. People that enjoy making sentences that are correct, but only in grammar, and maybe correctly timed, but with no actual source. Philosophy.
Ground floor please. Is this elevator broken? Am I broken? Is my mind playing tricks on me again? Am I only dreaming? Is it true? Is it really true? Because it's exactly how I've been wishing it to be. Mom's approval, his parents' approval, brother's, plans, journeys, the ring, the promise, three words, eight letters. And something that seems to go to direction "forever". Forever.
Am I dreaming? Should I let go and float away? Let myself flown into a dream come true? If I feel torn it's only an misunderstanding? A mistake in my mind and thoughts?

This November scenario drives me crazy.